For the Journal of the American Chemical Society:
"Nanoscale Stuff That We Can Imagine Could Have Gone to Science or Nature, But It Went There First So It Ends Up Here"
"Another Row of Glowing Sample Vials"
For Chemical Communications:
"Wild, Out-There Amalgam of Three or Four Trendy Topics All at Once, All in Two Manuscript Pages, From a Chinese Lab You've Never Heard of"
"A Completely New Assay Technique That Looks Like It Should Need A Twelve-Page Paper, Here In Two Because We're First and Don't Forget It"
For Angewandte Chemie:
"An Actually Useful and Interesting Paper (We Reviewed This One, We Promise), Brought to You With a Wincing, Toe-Curling Pun in the Abstract"
"The First Plutonium-Plutonium Quintuple Bond. Who's Going to Say It Isn't?"
For the Journal of Organic Chemistry:
"Remember Us? Here's an Actual Full Paper About Some Reaction, With Experimental Details and Everything. Where Else Can You Find That, Eh?"
"A Total Synthesis That Would Have Been in JACS Back When, You Whippersnappers"
For Tetrahedron Letters
"Remember Us? Here's a Four-Page Paper About Some Reaction With No Experimental Whatsoever. Where Else Can You Find. . .Oh, Right. Never Mind."
"The Four Thousand And Forty-Seventh Way to Prepare Nitriles From Oximes"
For Organic Letters:
"A Four-Page Paper With No Experimental (Supplementary Info If You're Lucky), But One You Actually Might Want to Read"
"A New Metal-Catalyzed Coupling, Featuring a Catalyst You Can't Buy and Don't Want to Make"
For the Journal of Medicinal Chemistry:
"Big Pharma Here, With a Gigantic Flaming Viking Funeral for a Project That Chewed Up Eight Years, And Here's All We Have to Show For It?"
"Small Academic Lab Here, With A Series of Rhodanines and Polyphenols That Are Seriously Hot Leads for At Least Ten Diseases"
"Don't See Much Synthetic Chemistry Over Here, Do You? That's How You Know This is Hot Stuff!"
"People Only Read One or Two Papers Out of Any Issue of This Journal, and This Isn't One of Them, is It?"
"As Long as There are Five-Membered Heterocyclic Systems, and German Labs to Make Every Possible Derivative of Them, We Will Survive"
"The Number of Four-Page Organic Chemistry Manuscripts Is Larger Than You Can Comprehend. Obviously."
For ACS Chemical Biology, ChemBioChem, Nature Chemical Biology, Chemistry and Biology, et very much al.:
"Look, We Have NMR Spectra and Cell Culture Conditions in the Same Article, and It Isn't Med-Chem, So Where Else Do We Publish? Right."
Update: I've left out some journals haven't I?
For Bioorganic and Medicinal Chemistry Letters:
"We Wanted to Publish This in J. Med. Chem., But It's Been So Long That We Lost Half the Analytical Data, So Here You Are"
"A Quick Resume-Building Paper, Part XVI, But Man, You Sure Need a Lot From This Journal to Build a Resume These Days"
For Bioorganic and Medicinal Chemistry:
"No One in History Has Ever Read This Journal Without Being Sent Here by a Literature Search, So It Doesn't Matter What Title We Give This. Cauliflower Bicycle Zip-Zang."
For Chemistry: A European Journal:
"German Flexibility, Italian Thoroughness, and the French Work Ethic Have Combined to Bring You This Research, Funded by a List of Euro-Acronyms That Takes Up Half a Page"